its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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