He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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