This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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