Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
