my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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