I just threw up on my dentist
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
