he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
