I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
