i used baking grease as lip gloss
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
