the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
