i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
