it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
