I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
