If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
