apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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