Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
