I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
