non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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