dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
