I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
