is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
