and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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