You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
