clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
