Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
