i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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