Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize