I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
