Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
