I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
