Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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