i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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