I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
