i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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