Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
