I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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