Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you win again, gameday.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
