he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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