Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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