let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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