just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
