As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
