I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Dignity is for republicans.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I am one with the molecules
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
