I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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