Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
