You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
