If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
