The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
