im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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