I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
