Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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