Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Dignity is for republicans.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
