I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
