Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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