matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
