i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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