i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
