I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
