The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
