And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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